


I Didn't Deserve That, You Don't Deserve This

by puffinmuffin13



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Depersonalization, Disassociation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Nausea, Oh well this was all inspired by a breakdown anyway, Past Abuse, The romantic relationships mentioned in the fic aren't important to story, can you even tell they're delusions? Don't know if that part comes off clear enough, mention of past delusions, other characters mentioned but not relevant enough to tag, so I guess it doesn't matter, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 14:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21283034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puffinmuffin13/pseuds/puffinmuffin13
Summary: It then occured to Kokichi, through the feeling of not being in his own body, that he could say anything he wanted to his mother right now. It wasn't like she could do anything. He was living out of her house and with roomates, going to a school that basically guaranteed success in the future. He had DICE, he had his partners, and he had his friends. He even had a therapist – the Ultimate Therapist, in fact.(Maybe Miaya wouldn't approve of what he did next. Maybe she would. Kokichi supposed he would have to find out at the next therapy session, because he was already lifting the phone to his ear and drawing a breath.)
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Oma Kokichi
Kudos: 55





	I Didn't Deserve That, You Don't Deserve This

**Author's Note:**

> This has minimal editing, so I'm sorry if anything sounds bad, weird, or OOC. As you can tell from the tags, it's a vent fic, but if you're going to make any comments about my mental health, please keep it light and polite. Have a great day, and I hope all those out there dealing with abusive parents like me can find a happy ending.

Kokichi probably should have known better than to pick up the phone, especially when it was his mother calling and especially when he'd been having a bad day.

But, pick it up Kokichi did. And the conversation was going downhill faster than the phone of his his mother once threw down the stairs.

"Remember that time you got annoyed that I told that guy why I was picking you up from school?" his mother giggled. The sound made Kokichi flinch – god, he shouldn't be having this conversation while tense, her laughter felt like fingers down his back. He forced himself to chuckle in response.

"Oh, you mean that random guy we met in the parking lot for two seconds? Yeah, I remember him! I was preeeetty embarrassed that you just told him that about me like that!" Bile. Bile was rising in Kokichi's throat. The act he was putting was starting to make him nauseous, but he hoped he would only have to endure this a while longer. He'd locked himself away in his room for the call, so unfortunately there wasn't anything he could throw up into if needed besides a trash can, but whatever, he could deal. _Yeah, I remember. I remember how you said I shouldn't be bothered by you spilling my business everywhere, because "what else were you supposed to say?"_ he thought.

His mother only sighed in response. "We used to be so close! Sometimes I wish you hadn't gone to Hope's Peak; maybe then you'd be able to take more of my calls!"

Kokichi thought back on all the declined calls, the lies about school hours, and the made up rules about no phone tolerance. "Hm, maybe!" he responded non-committally, the feeling in his stomach worsening.

Maybe. Maybe he shouldn't have taken this call, hm?

Maybe he shouldn't have kept her phone number.

Maybe he should have cut all contact like he wanted to.

Maybe he should have –

"I'm glad we're still friends though! I know that's a weird thing for a mother to say about to say about her son, but it's true!" Another giggle. "I could never understand why you didn't like me when you were younger! I mean, I made mistakes, but I did my best, you know?"

Kokichi couldn't respond for a minute after that.

_... Your best. Abuse was "your best." Leaving me living with multiple mental disorders and even more general mental health problems was "your best." Causing me to be terrified of you was "your best."_

Kokichi pulled the phone away from his ear. His mother was saying something, but Kokichi couldn't make it out, nausea mixing with a hot-under-the-collar burning under his skin to create a feeling Kokichi knew from experience made up a good portion of his depersonalization episodes.

If he could call them "episodes." Kokichi still couldn't be sure.

Just like he couldn't have been sure, back then, that he wasn't going to get killed by his mother because he hadn't done his work.

... Oh, his hands were shaking.

It then occured to Kokichi, through the feeling of not being in his own body, that he could say anything he wanted to his mother right now. It wasn't like she could do anything. He was living out of her house and with roomates, going to a school that basically guaranteed success in the future. He had DICE, he had his partners, and he had his friends. He even had a therapist – the Ultimate Therapist, in fact.

(Maybe Miaya wouldn't approve of what he did next. Maybe she would. Kokichi supposed he would have to find out at the next therapy session, because he was already lifting the phone to his ear and drawing a breath.)

"So, tell, me, mother – was yelling at me when I was hyperventilating so badly I couldn't breath 'your best?'"

And it all came tumbling out from there.

—

Twenty minutes later, Kokichi was sitting on a stool in front of the microwave, waiting for his microwave popcorn to finish cooking while tears dried on his cheeks.

He didn't have a movie planned or anything. He just thought... Maybe he'd take Miaya up on what she said about treating himself after doing something he was proud of.

And Kokichi couldn't be sure how he felt right now – confused, sad? Angry, terrified? Was he even feeling anything? – but he knew pride was somewhere in his bleeding heart right now. Even if this was one of the longest depersonalization... Incidents he had, and that made it kinda hard to think straight, Kokichi knew he felt proud.

(_"I SUPPOSE THE DELUSIONS YOU CAUSED FOR ME, THE ONES WHERE I'M NOT HUMAN AND DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING BUT RATHER NEED TO SERVE YOU AS A SERVANT – THAT'S JUST A GREAT RESULT OF YOUR A-PLUS PARENTING, RIGHT?!"_)

Kokichi wondered when everyone else would get home from shopping. He sniffled, and as he reached over to grab a tissue from the counter, he heard the first pop of a popcorn kernal.

The sound reminded him of DICE's movie nights. He smiled.

(_"Oooooh, right, because – oh no, don't worry, I'm well aware EVERY BAD THING THAT HAPPENS TO ME IS MY FAULT SOMEHOW. It's my fault for not watching where I'm going because I can't see through my tears, or getting yelled at because I'm hyperventilating and can't respond, or not liking that you're an abusive dickhead! Don't worry, I'M WELL AWARE I'M AN AWFUL PERSON."_)

Kokichi heard once that staying too close to a microwave was bad for you. He wasn't sure if it was true – he never bothered to look it up, but –

Oh. He was crying again. And here he thought he was done doing that for the time being.

(_"I'M DONE WITH YOU! YOU KNOW THE FIRST TIME I GAVE YOU – IN WRITING – THAT I WANTED TO DIE?! YOU SNORTED! FUCKING LAUGHED AND SENT ME TO MY ROOM BECAUSE I WAS SUICIDAL OVER SOMETHING YOU DEEMED 'STUPID!'"_)

The microwave beeped, and Kokichi wasted no time in pulling the bag out on a plate. The sharp heat on his fingers made him hiss, and Kokichi decided that it would probably be best if he didn't open the bag and eat right away, but that didn't stop him from grinning as the smell of warm, buttery popcorn started to flit through the room.

Kokichi hummed as he shuffled over to the living room area of his shared apartment. The tune was something Kaede had been playing recently. Kokichi wasn't sure what it was, but he could probably look it up if he wanted to.

Maybe after he ate and took a nap, though – he was starting to feel really, really tired and sleepy.

(_"GO TO HELL AND DIE LIKE I WANTED TO STARTING AT THE AGE OF TEN!"_)

... Maybe he'd take the nap first.

Kokichi placed the plate on the coffee table, stretched, and immediately plopped down on the couch. He couldn't remember why there was a blanket on the couch right now, but whatever. He was grateful for it.

Kokichi pulled the quilt tight around himself.

... Maybe he'd call up Miaya later, see if they could meet again earlier than planned.

Kokichi closed his eyes, let out a sigh, and fell into a dreamless sleep.

—

Kokichi was woken up by Kaede, who was wearing one of her more concerned expressions on her face.

He jerked a bit, eyes wide, and Kaede retreated a few inches. "Kokichi, are you okay?"

The familiar question rested heavy on Kokichi, but Kokichi felt his heart sinking as he realized he wasn't worried or concerned at all. He sat up, rubbing one of his eyes, but couldn't find it in him to respond; looks like his depression had the strength today to beat down his normal lies and playfulness. _Oh, that's wonderful. This is gonna be the best day ever, isn't it?_

It took Kokichi a moment to realize it wasn't a new day, but rather just late during the same day that... That he'd talked with his mom. And in that moment, Kaede had taken a seat next to him.

Kokichi's eyes wandered over to the coffee table. Hm, no one didn't ate his popcorn this time.

Of course, it was probably cold and maybe even soggy by now. Great.

"Do you want to talk?" Kaede asked, rubbing her arm, and Kokichi turned to her without an expression.

... Hm. He didn't normally do that, usually he just pushed people away while staying just vulnerable enough that they didn't press it, but this time... This time had been one of the worst times he'd ever had, so maybe – wait, no, what was he thinking?! He couldn't show weakness to anyone! He was the Ultimate Supreme Leader! He was a master of lies and manipulation! A spark of anger, determination, and hate flared up in his chest, and Kokichi shook his head even as the tears welled up his eyes.

Kaede hesitated. Her eyes glimmered with indecision; perched on the edge of the couch, she looked like she couldn't tell whether the best thing to do was leave him alone like he usually asked for, or stay with him and comfort him.

For some reason, the idea of her leaving was twisting Kokichi's heart in knots. But maybe that was just because the recent events had flared up his old wants of someone to replace his mother in terms of giving him love, and Kaede had certainly offered that multiple times in forms of kindness, hang outs, and concern. Maybe he didn't want her to leave just yet; maybe he wanted someone to put a bandage on his pain. Even if that want was pretty stupid, and it made him feel guilty for wanting someone like that – it felt like he was treating people like objects like that, so he didn't often share anything _too_ upsetting with other people. He may be starving, but he wasn't a begger. 

Still, he couldn't say any of that. So Kokichi grinned like he always did, spark dying as he used its strength to send her off.

"What? Kaede wants to speak with me, someone with a hundred... Thousand.. followers..." Kokichi inwardly sighed as his scratchy words faded into a wheeze. "Who could... Have her killed at any..."

Kaede didn't budge, staring at him with a forceful kindness Kokichi had seen her show when it came to Shuichi, or Himiko, or him once or twice in the past. Kokichi's shoulders slumped. _Aw... To hell with this. Why can't it work? Why do I have to deal –_

Kokichi realized he was crying again, and pulled up his knees to bury his face in them.

"... I'm going to go get the others, they're in the kitchen," Kaede said softly, and stood up from the couch, footsteps heading away. Kokichi didn't respond, but the footsteps stopped – before they could have reached the kitchen.

"By the way, what do you want to watch. It's your pick this time; Shuichi's already prepared your favorite snacks, and Kaito and Himiko are ordering some take out."

Oh. Kokichi felt a slight stab of pain in his heart, the worry of his possible, theoretical, illogical cruelty scratching him – but he responded as best as he could while crying and with his voice muffled by the fact he was sitting in a fetal position.

"P-ponyo would be gre-eat."

"Okay. Be back in a minute!"

The footsteps resumed, and in the silence left in their wake Kokichi could almost hear the conversation from the other room. It was made up of chatters about food orders, Shuichi saying something about different soda flavors, and a crash and a series of swears from Kaito.

It made Kokichi giggle.

And though he was crying, although things weren't alright – for the first time since the phone call, Kokichi smiled a genuine smile.

Maybe. Maybe, just maybe, he'd be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> The Miaya part was inspired by our-happygirl500-fan's tumblr posts about Miaya being Kokichi's therapist. Sorry about the low amount of editing in this fic, but I hope you enjoyed anyways.


End file.
